Getting unstuck

I want to tell you a story about a client of mine named “Pete,” who was experiencing extreme burnout after parting ways with his co-founder. 

Pete had been in an unhealthy co-founder relationship that became untenable as the startup began to scale. After months of co-founder mediation, they ultimately decided that they couldn’t build productively together. The next two months were a grueling legal negotiation. There were moments when it looked like Pete was going to have to shut down the company. It was an incredibly stressful period of existential threat. When the paperwork was finally signed for the co-founder separation, Pete was beyond exhausted; he hadn’t slept well for months. Pete was in a state of extreme burnout.

Burnout happens when we exist in a state of “fight or flight” for extended periods of time. When our cortisol levels are elevated for such long stretches, we are depleted. Burnout is a physical state - not just an emotional state. I kept reminding Pete that he has to think of himself as being sick and take care of himself as if he were in recovery from the worst flu he’d ever had. 

Pete also didn’t have the luxury of taking a month off. His investors and remaining team members were expecting him to start building again and showing them his leadership. But he couldn’t find the energy to get started. He was too fried to be creative. 

As his coach, I tried to push Pete and he really didn’t like it. It was clear the tough love approach was not going to work to help him figure out how to build momentum again. I was trying to figure out a way to support Pete and also get him to start moving again. 

And then it occurred to me that we might have to take an untraditional approach. 

Pete had often talked about wanting to declutter his home. His bedroom had become filled with clothes and books and papers to the point where he was embarrassed to show his background on Zoom. Pete had told me more than once that he tried to start cleaning his room but it just felt so overwhelming. 

I took Pete out to brunch to celebrate the signing of his separation agreement and we had a heart-to-heart. I told Pete about how I recently decided to sell the wedding ring from my failed marriage and how I used the money to build a farm in my backyard. I had always dreamt about having my own farm one day in Vermont. Some people daydream about yachts and grandiose vacation homes; I daydream about wildflowers and fresh eggs. Instead of waiting another seven years until my son graduates from high school, I decided to make my current house into my dream home right now. In many ways, the project became a way for me to radically accept my life post-divorce.

It felt really important to me to do the work myself. It all started in February, when I bought a chainsaw and tore down my son’s old playset (with his permission, of course) that was taking up most of the usable area in my small backyard. I lugged the wood to our transfer station. I built raised garden beds from kits and got hundreds of pounds of rocks and soil delivered to my driveway and moved them all myself. 

The beginning of 2nd Bloom Farm

This spring and summer I got endless blisters and cried often with frustration. I am certain, though, that all of that physical work transformed me - and my yard simultaneously. I think that as I moved my body, I was subconsciously moving through the various stages of grief. I wanted to transform my backyard into something beautiful. I wanted to turn my life into something beautiful. I decided to call my little homestead project “Second Bloom Farm,” to symbolically represent my own blooming after my divorce. (If you’re curious to see the process, you can check out @2ndbloomfarm on instagram). 

As I told Pete about my farm and showed him a few pictures, I think something clicked. I told him that I think that the equivalent of his farm is his bedroom. He has to do that work. That work is THE work. He has to create the room to build again and it starts with his physical space. The decluttering is a symbolic and self-soothing process that will help him figure out how to move forward. I told him to not worry right now about building his startup - focus on your bedroom. 

Pete went home after that brunch and decided to move a large rack of clothes into the hallway. He later told me it was the Tetris move that made it possible to start the decluttering process. He started making piles of books that he was never going to read to donate. He invited friends to pick through his unneeded clothes. He said that he could feel his energy coming back as his space began to clear up. Pete shared that he could feel his excitement starting to bubble up to start building his company again. 

I share this to say that sometimes we have to take a break from trying to do the impossibly huge hurdle and figure out how to get ourselves unstuck. Sometimes we have to symbolically and physically move obstacles out of our way to be able to find a path forward. Pete took a week pause from building his company to finally get his bedroom back to a calm and organized state. He took the pressure off himself to find his innovative and creative juices to do something more accessible. I firmly believe that he was processing so much while sorting through his physical stuff - much like I did with my own grief while creating my backyard farm. 

So the next time you feel like you are burnt out and stuck, think about something that has been holding you back. Maybe it’s finally creating a dating profile, learning how to ride a bike, or running in a race. Whatever it is, will kinesthetically prime you to bring that momentum into your work. Maybe you will find your own version of 2nd Bloom Farm so that you can begin to thrive again soon.