Healthy boundaries

Let’s talk about boundaries. Lots of times people hear that word and they think negative thoughts - like boundaries are barbed wire fences designed to keep others away. I used to think that way, but I now see boundaries as a form of self respect. They can be kind, and warm, and gentle - and they also help us keep our peace at home and at work. 

In my twenties, I found that every time my mother called me, I’d end up in a really really bad mood. It would sometimes take me hours to get myself back to a good mental health place after even just a quick conversation. The predominant feeling inside me after a quick call was shame. I learned later that shame and guilt are two similar but very different feelings. Guilt is “I did something wrong;” shame is “there is something wrong with me.” Shame digs deeper into who we are  - like “I am not a good person,” or “I am a bad employee.” I definitely felt shame every time I picked up the phone with my mom. 

My therapist at the time gave me permission to not pick up the phone when mom called. She told me to let it go to voicemail and check the voicemail when I’m ready to open it. She also told me that I didn’t have to call my mother back - and if she asked me a question that required a response, I could write an email with the answer. Email was a better communication medium because it didn’t have the same immediacy and interruptability as text. I could leave her emails in my inbox and read them when I had the mental capacity to go there and bolster myself for whatever shame-fest was coming my way. 

That first boundary helped me realize I have more control than I thought over my own mental health.  My boundary was “I don’t pick up the phone when I see my mom calling.” I gained enormous mental peace by not picking up the phone. I don’t think I was rude or mean about it, I just shifted my response so that I could make it through my day without an emotional detour derailing my day. 

A few years ago, I was introduced to thought leader Nedra Glover Tawwab, whose book Set Boundaries, Find Peace transformed my understanding of boundaries. Nedra helped me see how boundaries can be tiny requests like asking people to take off their shoes before they walk into your house. 

As a coach, boundaries come up a lot with my clients. 

I have a client who is a startup CEO and a faculty member simultaneously. He was constantly being asked to give seminars at other universities. While they were important to do occasionally, he couldn’t afford to have his delicately balanced life get off-kilter with that much travel. His relationship with his wife was getting strained by the extra weight it put on her two small children at home. He was getting so exhausted from being on the road and he wasn’t spending enough time on his own deliverables and team. 

Together, we designed a travel “budget” for him for the year. How much travel could he, his wife, and his startup handle every month without the system breaking? What were the top priorities for which invitations that he really should accept? How would he gracefully say “no” without shutting doors? 

We made a rubric to help him evaluate the speaking engagements as they came in and we kept a clear boundary about the total number of invitations he could accept. We pre-wrote several email templates that were kind “no” emails for him to use - one memo template asked for a date farther in the future (yes, but not now), another suggested a colleague who could speak instead (no, but here’s who can…), and one simply said that he’s overcommitted with his travel and hopes to have the opportunity to come and give a talk at some future date (thanks, but no).  We created structure, rules, and words to help him create a healthy boundary - and he also did not burn any bridges with colleagues, his startup team - or his wife. 

Over the past few weeks, I’ve had several clients share situations with me that require boundary-setting. For example: 

The CEO of a startup was inviting himself to take the train home with the CTO (my client) on a regular basis. Commuting home together was draining her while she was trying to unwind from the day. Commuting with her boss also felt complicated for her to navigate as he often shared personal information that she did not know how to handle. She felt she couldn’t reciprocate that vulnerability given the power dynamic. We found ways for her to chit chat safely while on the platform and then share - before the train arrived - that “I really needed some quiet time during my commute home, so I’m going to sit in the other car to sit by myself.” I encouraged her to bring big earphones as well to signal when she was not available. 

The CEO of another startup I coach was receiving text messages from a very active board member. They had meetings, but he’d often call for impromptu discussions that would last hours and would derail her thoughtfully planned day. We talked about how she can add structure and agendas in place to give them enough time to get through all of the items in a more predictable way. We also decided it was time to have a “meta” conversation about how they work together, aligning on their shared goals. For example: “We have to hit these milestones by this date so I need to stay focused on these activities to get us there.” And then, we practiced making a request of what she needs from her teammate: “To help me focus on these deliverables, I need more uninterrupted time in the day. I’d like to make a request that we move communication to Slack and that we build out a meeting cadence with agendas so I can plan each day for optimal productivity to help us reach our goals.” We decided she should remove Slack from her phone or silence notifications so they aren’t constantly pulling her away from her focus. 

I used the word “request” a couple of times in that previous paragraph. Requests are gentle boundaries. I’ll often use that phrase with someone: “I’d like to make a request…” We are all allowed to ask for what we need. Often others just don’t know - and they are happy to comply. We just need to communicate what we need in a thoughtful way - especially at work, when we can tie our request to a shared business outcome, like “I do my best thinking in the morning and I have a deck I have to send off to an investor. I’d like to request that we move our check-in to after 2 PM, so I can get that deck out the door. I’ll be able to focus more on our conversation once that’s off my plate.” 

I encourage you to think about what boundaries you need to be able to show up and be your best self at work (and in your personal life). Do you need to make any requests? Do you need to “mute” any distractions? Do you need to add structure to help you navigate hard decisions? You have a lot more power than you realize - and boundaries are not a bad thing at all. So much about using boundaries effectively is about the delivery such as thinking about your words, your tone, and your body language to convey kindness. Kindness and clarity. As my hero Brene Brown says “clear is kind.”